Can I Kiss You?

For my community experience, I went to the seminar "Can I Kiss You" given by Michael Domitrz.  Michael was an engaging speaker who helped to open my eyes to the idea of consent.  Before attending this seminar, I'm not sure I fully understood what consent was and why it is so important when it comes to simple things like kissing.  He also shared his ideas on equality in the ways we view dating and his reasoning as to why we need to not only use consent in our own relationships but also how we need to keep our eyes out for those who may be planning to harm others.

Domitrz began by discussing where we would most likely come across a situation where someone was being taken advantage of.  We decided as a group that situation would be a party.  If we see someone at a party who is being given too much to drink, what would stop us from making sure that person got a safe ride home instead of ending up a victim of rape?  Domitrz believes the only thing really holding us back is the fear of confrontation.  So why do we fear confrontation?  The answer is, we don't.  If someone we loved was the person in danger, we wouldn't hesitate to make sure they were okay.  If a friend was about to drive off in their car after having too much to drink, we would all refuse to let them.  So why would we not stop the random strangers at a party or a club? The answer is that they aren't worth it to us.  We assume that everything will be okay and carry on with our lives.  He pointed out that a lot of the times, people hear about rape victims and along with it we hear "think about if that girl was your daughter, how would you feel?" Mike pointed out that this is such an awful way to look at it.  We should care about the person because they are a fellow human being. It shouldn't matter if our daughters or sons are involved, what matters is someone being forced to do things against their will and we have the power to stop it. 

The next point Mike made was to think about the labels we use.  As we talked about the party situation, he pointed out that when he talked about the person being given too much to drink, we all immediately pictured a woman.  When we tried to figure out why we wouldn't have stopped the man from giving her drinks, we pointed out that she was drinking on her own free will and that she probably knew what would happen.  As a group we agreed that she was probably a little skanky and shouldn't have been flirting that much.  When we reversed the situation, so a guy was being given the drinks, we called that just being a guy, maybe a little bit of a player, but not out of the ordinary.  So why do we discriminate against women so much easier than men? He also talked about the Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake fiasco at the Superbowl.  In summary, Justin Timberlake ripped the front of Janet Jackson's shirt off and her nipple was exposed.  After this happened, Janet Jackson's career was wrecked for years.  Justin on the other hand was able to continue on with hardly any grief.  When the blame was equal, why is it that Janet had such a blame placed on her? The standards set for men and women is in nowise equal.  Women are degraded for the same things that men are praised for.

So why ask if you can kiss someone? Consent is ongoing, enthusiastic, and mutual agreement.  If you ask someone if you can kiss them before just going for it, you give them the opportunity to decide if it's what they want.  If they don't want to be kissed, and you kiss them, you take away their agency.  According to Domitrz, we don't ask because we don't want to hear  "no," but that is the exact reason we need to ask.  If they don't want to kiss and you force them to anyways, the situation will be more awkward than it would have been if you asked and they said no.  Consent is so important. I feel like if we aren't getting consent for something as simple as a kiss, then chances of getting consent for something more serious like sex will be lower.  

Domitrz had some excellent points that he made throughout the night.  I hadn't previously thought about what people who suffer through a rape situation go through.  We need to be aware of how others are being treated and make a commitment to stand up for what we know to be right.  If someone we know or don't know is in a dangerous situation where they could be hurt, we need to step in and make a difference.  When rape is on the line, it's always our business to be involved, and we always need to be there for those who are victims of this catastrophe.